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First blog post

I seriously doubt anyone will be reading this so i guess it doesnt matter what i say. I started this blog because alot of people have told me i should tell my life story which is so odd… like who cares? 

So an intro i spose? My name is jessica im 25 and im usually a stay at home mum, currently im 10months into a long drawn out hospital stay. My husband naresh and i have 2 beautiful babies, monica (4) and ryan (3). I am a paraplegic and use a wheelchair fulltime which i spose i will eventually write about. I suffer from major depression, anxiety and borderline personality disorder which i spose i will also wrote about. Theres nothing else that interesting about me to say. 

So i dont read blogs and i have no idea how im ment to end it? Bye? Have a good day? Thankyou for reading? So all of those things ☺️ 

https://medium.com/@jessicaguna/here-in-this-hospital-w-tormented-by-pain-emotional-mental-and-physical-insomnia-hits-me-2ee990c13a03?source=linkShare-f908507c6a87-1489651098
Just a little poem i wrote a while ago 

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My year in hospital

Everyone who knows me knows that for the past year i have been in hospital. I came here for a tricky but easy surgery to correct a club foot that had progressivly gotten worse since my car accident 10 years ago. Anyway the surgery went well my surgeon was happy and the hospital sent me to rehab with a plaster cast on my foot. 

Rehab is where everything turned to shit. Firstly my surgeon did not want me in rehab yet as the foot was in a critical stage where it was at risk of moving and getting hurt. While in rehab i was unaware of my surgeons wishes and i participated in physio and did as i was told. 4 days after i arrived in rehab my surgeon came and was suprised to see me in rehab, he took a look at my toes through the end of the cast and ny toes were black! 

He became very worried and at that point i didnt really know why, i couldnt see my toes in the cast and i was concerned only by his stress. He took the cast off and then i understood his concern my entire foot was black! Like as black as coal!! He immediately called a plstic surgeon who was there in 10 mins and he suggested we put a splint on the foot and give it a few days before wd do something drastic like amputate the foot. 

The next day some of the colour had returned to some toes and some of the skin around the side of my foot but the majority was black, especially the top of the foot and my little toe. After another two days i was going in to surgery knowing that he would cut off my toe and all of the black/ dead skin and flesh, but that if there wasnt a sufficent amount of healthy skin left that he would have to amputate.

I woke up with my foot minus the little toe and a shit load of skin plus i had a vac machine attatched (negative pressure therapy) i still had a splint on but my foot was floppy and there wasnt enough skin to hold a splint or cast on for the amount of time required for the bone to heal. My original surgeon decided that our only option was an external fixation, to hold the bone in place and take pressure off the healing skin. 

So he attatched an external fixation, during that surgery i aspirated, i wasnt having a good time so far. Everything that could go wrong did! Twice a week and then once i returned to surgery to further debride and change the vac dressing a total of 49 surgeries!! 

The external fixation, and skin grafted area.
So finally my foot was ready for a skin graft, it was so exciting to me! A month ago now i had the skin graft and it was successful! Which knowing the slow way my foot was healing we didnt know if the graft would take or fail, but through the magic that is my surgeon it worked! Now we needed to get this external fixation off, it was kept on this long because it was protecting the wound and now that the wound is healed its ready to come off. There was a small issue with insurance but now i have my final surgery date and thats why im writting this post! My external fixation is coming off next tuesday the 28th! Which is soooo exciting for me! So please pray or send good vibes or think of me next week and lets all hope it goes well!

Jessxxxx

Please stop asking..

For 10 years i have been differently abled, and for almost 5 years i have been a mother. My ability to be a mother is in no way negitavly  affected by my physical disability. Sure things are different, but i wasnt a fully abled mother and my children never had a fully abled mother, so this is all we know. 

Everytime i go out with my kids i am asked stupid questions, or people say annoying things. My number one hate is when my kids are sitting on my lap and people say ‘that looks like fun’ or ‘are you going for a ride?’ My children are young but this question always confuses them, because to them thats just how we get around same as any other mother holding her child, but the same people would never say anything to them. 

Both my mother and husband are very supportive and they help raise my kids same as any other family. I am always asked ‘who helps you?’ Or ‘how do you manage to look after them?’ Seriously? How does any mother manage? Its hard for us all but no matter our circumstances we manage! And children are very resilient, they only know what they experience. The assumption that i need someone to help me raise my kids is just so rude! There are so many disabled parents and even disabled single parents, some of us need help to care for children but that does not mean that we cant live without help! 

Perhaps i try to be too independant, like i have to prove that i can do it myself. Im stubborn, i know that generally people dont mean to be rude, comments like ‘how did you have a baby if your disabled? Did you use ivf?’ Sorry but the way my children were conceived is nobodys business! When did it become ok to ask such personal questions!? Im going to attatch a link that perfectly describes some of the questions and answers that are asked when you you a wheelchair

 10 Things I am Tired of Hearing

http://mattcurcio.org/2017/03/15/10-things-i-am-tired-of-hearing/

Jessxxxxx

post natal depression

Possible trigger warning 😘

Depression and anxiety, or any kind of mental health problems are always a hard topic to talk about, especially if its just after you had a baby. the world expects you to be happy they expect you to be over joyed and all wrapped up in the new baby. 
Having a negative feeling about the baby is a hard thing to process, not only is it scary to feel upset its so confusing to not be entirely happy. The darkest time, when your down in the lowest of depression pits, feels undescribable, like an elephant has sat on your chest. It feels like the world hates you like your baby hates you, there is no way out of that funk, if you ask for help people will judge you, they will think that you are a bad mum, they will want to take your baby away. You believe these things because your brain convinces you, it tells you that your a bad mum that your child will grow up wishing you were dead, depression is that friend that hangs around even though no one likes her, shes a bad influence and she spreads roumours all through your brain, depression is a bitch. 

Depression tells you that if anyone finds out how you feel then your life will be worse than it is now. It makes you feel that your baby hates you, so you want to get away from the hate and away from your baby, but you dont want to be away from your baby, you cant give up your baby, but you want to get away from it. Its such a confusing feeling and it truly feels like there is no way out, you feel stuck, lost, alone, useless you feel like a mistake. I used the word feel throughout this because they are just feelings, feelings are never wrong, but that doesnt make them fact. Its always good to aknowledge and feel your feelings. 

When monica was about a month old i started to realise that i wasnt enjoying her, i just wanted her to sleep all the time so that i could sleep but then i couldnt sleep and i blamed her, i resented her. Like she had somehow ruined my life, i felt she hated me and that was why she would never settle for me, babies are not capable of hate, that doesnt make it any eaiser. I was in a meeting with my maternal child health nurse and while holding a crying monica i just sat there and ignored her, the nurse realised that i wasnt ok and quickly tried to get me a bed in an inpatient mental health facility. If she didnt notice and help me i am 100% sure i wouldnt be alive today. The next week i was an inpatient and it was quickly obvious to me that the way i was feeling was ok, its ok to feel like shit and admitting you feel shit is not going to take your baby away. 6 weeks later monica was 4ish months old and i was back home. During my stay i was started on medication and was involved in education sessions helping new mothers understand the way a baby feels and acts, having that understanding really helps you see why your baby acts the way it does which helps you feel less guilty and more confident to survive without nurses.

Having a diagnosis of major post natal depression and anxiety and borderline personality disorder and on steady medication, being at home got so much easier. knowing my own triggers and reactions, being able to spot a problem before it got out of hand and asking for help! My god being free to ask for help! Anxiety will creep in but deep down you know that asking for help is ok, no body thinks your a bad mother just because you need help or medication, and if people think you are then they are the one with a problem. 

Two years later i decided to have another baby, it was a very hard decision to make because we didnt want to go through all the bad stuff again, the anxiety the second time was far worse, but it was just anxiety. And i know anxiety is nothing light but compared to the hell of post natal, having just anxiety feels good. With ryan i was being watched closely by my psyc and psyc nurse, having them there as a safteynet made things easier and they did notice that i needed medication again, and they helped me before it got to hell. Having more babies is something i want to do and factoring in my mental health is my number 1 priority before getting pregnant. i love my children. I love them so differently, i had to work at loving monica i didnt bond with her instantly and that ment it was hard to build up that bond, and now i love her so fiercely. Ryan and i bonded instantly, so our love is different, effortless, he is my tiny baby and i would do anything to see him happy.

Depression is fucking shit! But when you look into the loving eyes of your child and know that their pure soul loves you entirely, makes everything worth it, makes life worth living.

Sorry for the messiness of this post but i hope my story is told well, if anyone is suffering from depression, anxiety or any other mental health issue please seek help, there is help avaliable and it really does get better eventually. If anyone has any sugestions on what i should write about please let me know, and thankyou fod taking the time to read this. Xxxxxx jess

For telephone help call lifeline on – 131114

My car accident

I wrote this in 2010 so forgive my lack of grammar, i didnt re write it because it can be hard to think about 

my accident 15 July 2007people have been telling me to write this down for a while so

i finally decided to do it, i hope it explains everything =]

it was a sundry like any other week my family was getting
tiredly up to go to church, i was 15 and starting to find out
who i was. my family of 5 got in to the car and we headed off
to church, it had rained the previous night and the roads
were slippery. 

i was sitting in the middle back seat wearing a lap seat belt
between my brother and sister and i remember talking to my
sister about what jobs we had to do at church today. we
were half way there and we approached the roundabout at
about 50kph and went through, on the way through my dad
blanked out and didn’t turn through the roundabout we hit
the curb where i could hear my mum begin to scream i was
frozen in place and i screamed out ‘Kim’ (my dad) he
swerved to the side and we went fast across the road, where
we hit a fence. 

my mum was still screaming and began to cry, instantly i
couldn’t feel my legs and began to scream that out, which
made my mothers screaming worse. the pain was so intense
and i couldn’t stand it, my brother who was on my left
opened the door and walked out of the car and just walked
away, i fell to the side and screamed for him to help me out i
took off my seat belt and tried to get out of the car by this
stage all the car doors were open and cars who had seen the
accident stopped to help. my dad was standing in front of
me whilst my head was on the ground and my legs were still
in the car, a man who had stopped was trying to help move
me but Kim knowing better wouldn’t let him.
this whole time mum was crying and i was saying i cant feel
my legs over and over, at first ijust thought it was numb and
if i got out of the car and walked around it would be ok. the
ambulance came and helped me out, they took me and my
sister to the hospital while the rest of my family went to a
different hospital.as soon as we arrived i was seperated from
my sister and in a big scary emergency room. I was 15 and
didn’t understand why they wouldn’t let me get up or why i
couldn’t feel my legs.
later that day i was moved to another hospital by my self, all
that day different doctors came and touched different parts
of my legs and asked me if i could feel it, with every touch i
got more and more scared because i still couldn’t feel it, the
numbness wasn’t going away. that night i was alone in my
hospital room where an old smart looking doctor came and
did the same test, when he was finished he told me i had
broken my back and had a spinal cord injury and that i was a
complete paraplegic and needed an operation. i didn’t
understand any of this and was alone and scared, 2 days
later i had a 6 hour operation where i had my spine fused my
t12 and 11 vertebrae. 

from July 15 2007 my life hasn’t been the same i am in a
wheelchair and will be forever sometimes it really hurts to
think about my future and what opportunities i have missed
but i’m glad that i have the mind i do it helps also the people
who have helped me along the way couldn’t have been
better i am lucky to be alive and i am sick of people thinking
its cool to speed and have ‘cool’ cars. nobody died in my
accident and i am truly thankful for that i couldn’t imagine if
they were. but i’ve been told that its probably worse to be
paralyzed than dead, i don’t know what i think about that but
i know that both are pretty bad =\