post natal depression

Possible trigger warning 😘

Depression and anxiety, or any kind of mental health problems are always a hard topic to talk about, especially if its just after you had a baby. the world expects you to be happy they expect you to be over joyed and all wrapped up in the new baby. 
Having a negative feeling about the baby is a hard thing to process, not only is it scary to feel upset its so confusing to not be entirely happy. The darkest time, when your down in the lowest of depression pits, feels undescribable, like an elephant has sat on your chest. It feels like the world hates you like your baby hates you, there is no way out of that funk, if you ask for help people will judge you, they will think that you are a bad mum, they will want to take your baby away. You believe these things because your brain convinces you, it tells you that your a bad mum that your child will grow up wishing you were dead, depression is that friend that hangs around even though no one likes her, shes a bad influence and she spreads roumours all through your brain, depression is a bitch. 

Depression tells you that if anyone finds out how you feel then your life will be worse than it is now. It makes you feel that your baby hates you, so you want to get away from the hate and away from your baby, but you dont want to be away from your baby, you cant give up your baby, but you want to get away from it. Its such a confusing feeling and it truly feels like there is no way out, you feel stuck, lost, alone, useless you feel like a mistake. I used the word feel throughout this because they are just feelings, feelings are never wrong, but that doesnt make them fact. Its always good to aknowledge and feel your feelings. 

When monica was about a month old i started to realise that i wasnt enjoying her, i just wanted her to sleep all the time so that i could sleep but then i couldnt sleep and i blamed her, i resented her. Like she had somehow ruined my life, i felt she hated me and that was why she would never settle for me, babies are not capable of hate, that doesnt make it any eaiser. I was in a meeting with my maternal child health nurse and while holding a crying monica i just sat there and ignored her, the nurse realised that i wasnt ok and quickly tried to get me a bed in an inpatient mental health facility. If she didnt notice and help me i am 100% sure i wouldnt be alive today. The next week i was an inpatient and it was quickly obvious to me that the way i was feeling was ok, its ok to feel like shit and admitting you feel shit is not going to take your baby away. 6 weeks later monica was 4ish months old and i was back home. During my stay i was started on medication and was involved in education sessions helping new mothers understand the way a baby feels and acts, having that understanding really helps you see why your baby acts the way it does which helps you feel less guilty and more confident to survive without nurses.

Having a diagnosis of major post natal depression and anxiety and borderline personality disorder and on steady medication, being at home got so much easier. knowing my own triggers and reactions, being able to spot a problem before it got out of hand and asking for help! My god being free to ask for help! Anxiety will creep in but deep down you know that asking for help is ok, no body thinks your a bad mother just because you need help or medication, and if people think you are then they are the one with a problem. 

Two years later i decided to have another baby, it was a very hard decision to make because we didnt want to go through all the bad stuff again, the anxiety the second time was far worse, but it was just anxiety. And i know anxiety is nothing light but compared to the hell of post natal, having just anxiety feels good. With ryan i was being watched closely by my psyc and psyc nurse, having them there as a safteynet made things easier and they did notice that i needed medication again, and they helped me before it got to hell. Having more babies is something i want to do and factoring in my mental health is my number 1 priority before getting pregnant. i love my children. I love them so differently, i had to work at loving monica i didnt bond with her instantly and that ment it was hard to build up that bond, and now i love her so fiercely. Ryan and i bonded instantly, so our love is different, effortless, he is my tiny baby and i would do anything to see him happy.

Depression is fucking shit! But when you look into the loving eyes of your child and know that their pure soul loves you entirely, makes everything worth it, makes life worth living.

Sorry for the messiness of this post but i hope my story is told well, if anyone is suffering from depression, anxiety or any other mental health issue please seek help, there is help avaliable and it really does get better eventually. If anyone has any sugestions on what i should write about please let me know, and thankyou fod taking the time to read this. Xxxxxx jess

For telephone help call lifeline on – 131114

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